Tony Rubolotta

Liberal Economics for Dummies
November 29, 2008

Developing energy sources in America is bad for the environment. Consequently, we buy oil from Mexico, Saudi Arabia, Venezuela, Kuwait, Iraq and other countries where energy development must be good for the environment.

Dotting every hilltop in America with windmills must also be good for the environment, but putting them within sight of Ted Kennedy’s house is bad for the environment. Don’t worry about the unsightliness, noise and unreliability of wind power. You’ll get used to it. Will the Hollyweirdo’s get used to it; that is the question.

Solar electric panels covering vast expanses of America’s deserts must be good for the environment too. Never mind the cost per kilowatt because we can afford anything we have a mind to get a credit line to purchase. Besides, solar panels are a little less unsightly than wind mills, and slightly more reliable. Let’s empty out New Mexico for starters and make room for solar energy production. We can send all the squeegee guys from New York to Santa Fe to keep the panels clean. Better yet, we can do that with illegal aliens.

Devoting millions of acres of American cropland to ethanol production must be better for the environment than drilling for oil on 2,000 acres of Alaska. Don’t worry about ethanol not being as efficient a fuel as gasoline. We can just produce much more of it to get the same result. If the higher price depresses you, you can always put it in your favorite mixed drink. As for ethanol competing for food production, I wouldn’t worry about that either. Let them eat cake.

Ethanol must be better than drilling offshore too, unless you are Cuba. Let them ruin their beaches. It is very important that Americans enjoy pristine beaches and eat less too. That will eliminate the unsightliness of obese people on the beaches of New Jersey and Long Island. Wouldn’t that also be good toward making free health care more affordable?

Hybrid and all electric cars are good for the environment because we can always arrange a deal with China to accept the battery packs for recycling or disposal. It will also cut down on accidents since we will be doing less driving because of our less reliable sources of electrical energy. Perhaps Congress can pass some legislation repealing the laws of thermodynamics that make energy conversion inefficient. If Congress can repeal the law of Supply and Demand, the 1st, 2nd and 3rd Laws of Thermodynamics should be a piece of cake.

Employment without belonging to a union should be illegal. Every person in America should be part of a group extorting higher salaries from those evil businesses. The labor monopoly that controls auto production, steel, construction, trucking and port facilities should not be alone to enjoy the benefits of their monopolies. In fact, doctors and nurses would be remiss if they didn’t immediately form a union to deal with the federal bureaucracy that will run health care. Follow the example of the National Education Association and you can get a far better deal than you are getting now. Better yet, get AFSCME to help you organize since you will be government employees.

In the same vein, our military should be organized to demand better working conditions and much higher pay. Considering the risk they take, they should be making at least three times what teachers are paid. They should also have the right to select their own commander-in-chief. Voters not in the military should have no say about who their boss will be. That isn’t liberal.

Shouldn’t government run all businesses? That will save a lot of time and money since the politicians negotiating for our votes can negotiate our salaries at the same time. I’m going to vote for the guy (or gal) that offers the best deal.

Finally, and most importantly, we should all stop paying our debts. That is what government is for after all. I want my bailout and free stuff and I’m getting a bit impatient with Obama and his promises. The Office of the President-Elect has had more than enough time to send its legislative agenda to the Congress-Elect and start passing some laws. What do they think this is anyway, a constitutional republic or something?