(A gift for Valentines Day)

President Bush believes that the federal government should try and help low income couples develop the skills and habits that will make for healthy marriages. His administration has proposed that $1.5 billion should be put toward volunteer marital counseling. The reality is that anybody making a lifelong commitment should understand their partner before signing a legal document. However, since the days of Precana, or its equivalent, seem to be falling by the wayside this isn’t happening in many marriages. Just recall the weekend marriage of Britney Spears to Jason Alexander. And I don’t even want to get started on the availability of annulment or divorce. Rest assured, the Catholics don’t have the monopoly on an eroding concept of marriage.

Because of the large number of failed unions, more and more couples probably could benefit from counseling after they make a legal commitment to each other. Perhaps our good president has a point. The gravity of what marriage means just doesn’t seem to be sinking in. In this day and age when the institution of marriage needs legal definition, what goes into a marriage must be given some serious thought to make a union last.

Every potential partner is the sum of his or her experiences. Some people come into a relationship carrying a lot of baggage which inevitably influences what is brought into the partnership. In order to achieve the intimacy necessary to make a marriage last, each person needs to be aware of his or her own shortcomings and be able to rise above them. Each partner should be willing and want to put the other person’s needs ahead of his/her own. That’s a pretty tall order in today’s dysfunctional society, which puts self ahead of all else. Many people could benefit in a course on how to make a marriage work, myself included.

Robert Sternberg talks about how varied combinations of intimacy create particular types of love that are not likely to last.

In Infatuated love, or love at first sight, couples are overwhelmed by passion without any intimacy or commitment (both of which take time). This infatuated love is fated to fade away.

In Hollywood love people get married after being in love for a very short time.
This is a combination of passion and commitment, but without any intimacy. Two people make a commitment to each other based on their passion. Unless intimacy develops over time, this relationship most likely will end.

In Companionate love intimacy and commitment are present without any sexual passion.

Romantic love is passion and intimacy without commitment. When the passion fades and the intimacy wanes the relationship ends.

Consummate love has all three components to love: Intimacy; baring souls, sharing, liking, and bonding which develops slowly over time, passion; sexual attraction, and commitment; stable, dependable devotion.

In her piece, The Road Map To Relationship Success, Laura Dawn Lewis writes that seven out of eight stages of intimacy are crucial to the success of a marriage. Lewis is of the opinion that success in intimacy will make or break a relationship. When a relationship falters, stagnates, or feels unfulfilling, reviewing the stages of intimacy will help pinpoint the problem. After the problem is identified, a solution becomes possible. The stages can help partners avoid heartache by helping to discover what is missing and what is causing problems.

Physical Intimacy is when you like something about the way your partner looks, sounds and/or smells. You are proud to be seen together or enjoy being together. When you think about your partner or see a picture of him/her, you think or feel positively.

Aesthetic Intimacy means that you have interests in common.

Recreational Intimacy means that you both enjoy spending time together and it really doesn't matter what you do. You both have activities you enjoy together and those you reserve for yourself and your friends. You do not get upset if your partner spends occasional time without you pursuing his/her own interests. You enjoy exploring new experiences with your partner.

Intellectual Intimacy means having the ability to share both fears and dreams. Opinions, even those you don't agree on can be stated, argued and acknowledged without fear of ridicule, abandonment or abuse. Without realizing it, you and your partner often mirror each other's actions, gestures and speaking style.

Spiritual Intimacy is when you share similar morals, values and ethics. Your futures are now inclusive in both the short term and the long term. Before a couple can reach spiritual intimacy, each participant in the relationship must have already resolved the struggle with their own identity and defined who they are individually before the two can come together as a common entity. "You and I” become "we”. Religion may play a small part because most religious teachings form our basic foundations of what is right and what is wrong.

Emotional Intimacy is where you must accept the person for whom he or she is without reservation, flaws, irrationality and all. At this level, you feel comfortable sharing yourself without fear of repercussions. On a daily basis, both parties feel comfortable to voice and share their anger, happiness, secrets, sensual side and sexual feelings. You know you are loved and love your partner no matter how either of you feel or act. In a state of personal fear, uncertainty or danger, your partner is your first call or the person you turn to for comfort. Crying, showing frustration or anger in front of your partner is okay. You know he/she will not see you as weak, psychotic, crazy or out of control. No matter what happens, you know your partner loves you and will not abandon you during a state of crisis, ill health or financial difficulty. You show or tell each other often through words and actions that you love and respect each other. Past wrongs are not dredged up in arguments to get even with each other. The past is discussed, forgiven and left there. Passive aggressive behavior and name calling does not exist in your relationship
It's about trust and letting another see us at our worst and our best...pretty scary stuff for most people, but critical to a long-term healthy relationship. *

Sexual Intimacy is about touch.

Unconditional Love means that no matter what someone does, says or is, you love him or her fully and without reservation, without ever expecting anything in return. However, it does not mean that you sacrifice yourself or your own values and morals.

If you are dating the stages will make you postpone sexuality until you can satisfy your curiosity about a mate through 6 stages. Understanding the stages will allow each person to isolate poor relationships objectively as they venture into each new stage. Requiring an education in the stages of intimacy could be beneficial to both married and unmarried couples alike. Getting a marriage license shouldn’t be easier than getting a driver’s license. Once that license is granted a course in intimacy would go a long way toward ensuring that the union will last.

In Roman mythology, Cupid scratched himself with one of his own arrows by mistake while he was looking at a mortal woman called Psyche. He fell in love with her. He knew that his mother Venus would be angry because Venus was jealous of the beauty of Psyche and had ordered Cupid to punish her. She had instructed her son Cupid to make Psyche fall in love with a hideous monster but instead he fell in love with her himself. Cupid took Psyche as his wife but as a mortal she was forbidden to look at him. He hid Psyche away and told her that she must never try to look at him. Psyche thought that she had been captured by a hideous monster and couldn't resist taking a peep. She was enchanted by the first sight of her handsome husband, and while playing with his arrows, scratched herself as well. So now they were both desperately in love with each other.

Because she looked at him, Cupid punished her by leaving her. She wandered around trying to find Cupid and came upon the temple of Venus. Venus gave Psyches a series of tasks which were hard and dangerous in the hope to destroy her. Psyche was given a box and told to take it to the underworld. She was supposed to fill it with some of the beauty of Proserpine. She was also warned not to open the box. However, she gave in to temptation and opened the box. Instead of finding beauty she found deadly slumber. Cupid discovered her lifeless on the ground. He gathered the deadly sleep from her body and put it back in the box. Cupid forgave her, as did Venus. The gods, moved by Psyche's love for Cupid made her a goddess.

Cupid learned to forgive Psyche and accept her for all of her faults. Psyche loved Cupid despite all the trials and tribulations that she had to reckon with because of their marriage. Cupid and his arrows symbolize the kind of everlasting love we should all strive for in a marriage.

President Bush wants us to see marriage as more than a legal contract. Through a display of reverence in his own marriage, as well as for marriage in general, we are allowed to glimpse his compassion and capacity for love. Those who would paint him as evil or heartless need look no further than the family residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. (as well as on a ranch in Crawford, Texas) to know that they have made a mistake in their assessment. His very recognition of the sanctity of marriage and the knowledge that intimacy needs to be cultivated to maintain a marriage, is testimony to the strength of his character and moral integrity. Good leaders set an example by which to live. Those who offer only criticism have nothing of value for those needing moral guidance and something to believe in.

*Parents, especially need to focus on nurturing emotional intimacy with their children.

The Roadmap To Relationship Success
http://www.couplescompany.com/Advice/Articles/Intimacy_Stages/default.htm

The Nature of Attraction and Love
http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap10/chap10d.htm

Nancy Salvato is a middle school teacher in Illinois and an independent contractor for Prism Educational Consulting. She is the Educational Liaison to IL Sen. Ray Soden and she works with national and local organizations furthering the cause of Civic Education. She is a columnist for American Daily, The Common Voice, GOP-USA, OpinionEditorials and The New Media Journal.us. Her writing has been recognized by the US Secretary of Education. She has been published in The Washington Times, The Washington Dispatch, Iconoclast, Free Republic Network & Townhall.com., as well as other nationally and internationally published media outlets.