Amil Imani

Obama Meets Ahmadinejad: An Excerpt
July 7, 2010

The following is an excerpt from Amil Imani's new book, Obama Meets Ahmadinejad. This is a Satire. Any resemblance to people and places are strictly coincidental.

ACT Ten of Seventeen

When the tape resumed, the self-adoring, imitation human being, deeply impressed by his use of English idioms, intoned, "No time to beat around the bush. Let’s get down to brass tacks.” He was swiftly answered by the other phony.

THE FRAUD: Sure, sure. Earlier you advised me about being patient, but I see that you are not practicing what you preach. Be a bit patient with me. As I said at the end of our last meeting, this is the most difficult decision of my life, and I need to give it due consideration—

THE FASCIST: Well, have you? Let us get on with it.

THE FRAUD: Being the practical man that I am, I want you to tell me what’s in it for me to "convert,” because my Sunni friends would say I’m falling for the ridiculous lies of you and your priesthood, pretending like some delusional nutcase that you are receiving instructions essentially from Allah Himself. So, give me my motivation and explain what you alluded to earlier—about it being a great thing for me here in this world as well as in the afterlife. Well, the afterlife still remains to be seen, much as I would like believe in it. And as for benefits in this world, I basically have as much or more than any man could ever aspire to. I’m the President of the most powerful country in the world. Numerous people, including world leaders, kiss up to me—a black man—for a change; women swoon over me by the droves; and I can go on and on enumerating the long list of the perks I have.

You mentioned "amenities.” What do you mean by that? Please explain, so I can make up my mind.

THE FASCIST: You keep throwing me curve balls, as you people like to say. First, you brag to me about having a long pri—?

THE FRAUD: No, no, no. You misheard me. I said "perks” not "pri—.” A long list of perks, I said. Now who has a dirty mind?

THE FASCIST: Then tell me what "perks” means. You know that we are dead serious about mastering English, even English slang and colloquial English. All of it, so that we can be a good jihadist and help the Ummah establish Arabic as the only acceptable language in the world. As for the lies about being a puppet of the Arabs and His Blessedness being a fairytale, we should kill anyone who disrespects the Holy Faith like that. You are lucky, because you have a chance to redeem yourself by converting and becoming a disciple of the Supreme Leader.

THE FRAUD: If you are not an Arab lap dog, as others say, then why are you stumping for Arabic to be the only acceptable language on earth? Why not the Farsi of your homeland?

THE FASCIST: Arabic is the language of the Holy Quran, the divine revelation of Allah. It is the holy language. We pledge our allegiance to Islam, above and beyond all nations. I am first and foremost an Ummahist.

The only reason you have not been killed before is because so many in the Ummah believe you are secretly one of us, as do many of "your” own people. But all you need to do, really, is give up the Sunni heresy and come over to us.

Remember, two things tell us you are a Muslim: 1. Your father was a Muslim, albeit it a heretic, but much better than if only your mother had been a Muslima—which, of course, she was not; and 2. Your middle name Hussein is that of one of our most revered saints.

You were warned years ago that you should not come here—do you honestly believe you can go now? You may have believed you could charm me! No, you are a fly in my spider web, so you have no choice. If you do not convert, we will not let you leave. And if you do convert, but if you are not sincere, you will have a very big bounty on your head for the rest of your life—nay, for eternity, insha’Allah. You know very well that such treachery as apostasy is punishable by death under our legal system.

THE FRAUD: You can be sure that I regret having come here, although I have to admit some of my visit has been pleasant. But I knew you would try to extort and blackmail me, and here you are. You can’t be serious that you think you can prevent me from leaving. Even you can’t be so megalomaniacal as to believe you could get away with such an absurd plan—but perhaps you are that insane.

But as long as I am here, I want you to elucidate all kinds of things for me, and I should be prepared to explain things you want to know. Fair enough.

"Perks” is short for "perquisites,” which means "privileges, benefits, advantages.”

THE FASCIST: Am I supposed to turn green with envy? Do not let who you are now and what you have at present blind you to reality. As your friend, we will take time and spell things out for you. By the way, I really dig that spelling thing. I thank you for it.

Then he burst out with his trademark roaring hyena laughter. He seemed to relish using the word "dig.” I just can’t fathom why the creep found the word "dig” so hilarious. Who can figure out what goes on in that cranium of his?

THE FRAUD: I’ve been taught that something is funny when both parties laugh. So what’s so funny, my helpful friend?

THE FASCIST: You really do not want to know, because it would upset you to no end.

THE FRAUD: Okay, finish laughing and get this show on the road. It’s wearing my patience thin.

THE FASCIST: Well, back to serious talk. You will love the amenities and "perks” we will be offering you. There are, however, two non-negotiable conditions. The first condition is that you convert to the true Islam—the Twelve Imamate Shi’a. And the second condition is that you call the Zionist dogs off our back and let us move forward—

THE FRAUD: I dig your first condition, and I am almost there. What you need to spell out in greater detail is your second condition. I can’t just give you carte blanche. Besides, if I make a commitment, I intend to keep it, but I might not be able to do so.

The smarmy dictator cracked a sly smile, as if he were relishing a moment of conquest.

THE FASCIST: Am I the type who would do something like that to a friend? Would I ask you to do something that would get you in trouble or force you to go back on your promise?

THE FRAUD: Frankly, the thought never crossed my mind—

THE FASCIST: Stop right there and recant, Pinocchio. The long nose you have is stretching so far out that it is almost completely preventing us from seeing the other half of your face, not that it is worth seeing, anyway.

Hyena laughter again filled the little cage of the two beasts. The creep seemed to enjoy his own sense of humor. Then, with a snap of the fingers the Thick Thug appeared, at which point the Fascist commanded, "Bring us file 609 forthwith!”

With a thick file in hand, the Fascist began paging through it, keeping the Fraud in a deathly suspense for what seemed like a lifetime. As beads of sweat covered the American’s face, he seemed to have difficulty breathing, and made a wheezing sound common in asthmatics.

THE FASCIST: Sorry for bursting your balloon. You compelled us to do so by bragging about your position and the perks you have. You seem so intoxicated with the immediate and oblivious to the long-term. And not very long-term at that—

THE FRAUD: Would you stop lecturing me and get to the specifics? I said a minute ago that my patience is wearing thin. By now, it’s just about to disappear completely.

THE FASCIST: You are most fortunate if you keep your position and perks until the next presidential election. We, for one, would not want to bet on that more than five of your worthless dollars. That is all—five "bucks,” is it not?—and not a nickel more.

Even though they were supposed to be "brothers in faith,” they could not resist the macho-male competition. After all, each wanted to top the other and be president of the whole world under the Ummah or community of believers that would soon attain global domination. I could tell that a big part of their blustering was an expression of admiration for each other’s misdeeds and cons against the dirty infidels and unsuspecting voters.

THE FRAUD: Okay, Mr. Big Shot. Back that up. What makes you so sure? Do you have a crystal ball, or is it another one of those private inside revelations you get from what you call "On High?”

THE FASCIST: No, neither—just plain and simple earthly assessment of facts on the ground. And here they are. You are a fraud and a fake. It is all here in this file. Written records, pictures, testimonials by the most credible people that show beyond the slightest doubt that you have pulled one of history’s greatest con games on the country that you called the greatest in the world.

THE FRAUD: Yeah, tell me something I haven’t heard before. Tell me something new. You mean the questions about my ineligibility to be President? All kinds of Neocons, reactionaries, and Republicans have been trying to hang that one on me, and every last one of them has failed. So, next evidence, if you please.

THE FASCIST: Not so fast. Let us do you a favor and present you the evidence. Believe us, it is good, very good, and it will assuredly cost you your job, every penny you may have, and even your testicles.

THE FRAUD: Ouch! You can talk about losing me my job, even every penny I have, but not losing my balls. They are off the table—and under it, in a secure pair of pants!

Okay, let me hear your evidence. You had a hilarious laugh a minute ago. It is my turn to have one too.

THE FASCIST: At your service. But, you have to relax, if you can, and sit back and listen. We will give you only a synopsis of the evidence, so we do not tax your thin patience that you warned us about. We are your friends, and we want to stay your friends. And a real friend should never do anything that hurts a friend.

I cringed when I watched such blatant and obvious sucking up by the wretch, as it was embarrassingly transparent. The bogus Kumbaya boy continued.

THE FASCIST: You just told us that you know all about those villains who have tried but failed to nail you on this birth-certificate thing. Maybe you are still playing games with me, or maybe you are too busy puffing up your chest with pride in yourself to notice some very damning evidence. I certainly would not be making a monkey of myself by simply re-hashing some unsubstantiated innuendo, would I?

THE FRAUD: No, I am sure you wouldn’t make a monkey of yourself. Particularly not a monkey anyway, since it is one of the most common names your enemies call you. You don’t want to wear that, do you?

THE FASCIST: No, I do not. Speaking of wearing, it sure looks like before you know it, you will be wearing something much worse, a sort of government-issue attire, that is. To give you a hint, it is not a military uniform. But, let me stick to the present point.

Ever heard of a man named Gary Kreep? Does it not ring a bell? Gary Kreep is a point-man for a group called United States Justice Foundation. You still cannot connect? Kreep reports that you have spent $950,000 in campaign funds in the past year with 11 law firms in 12 states for legal work to block disclosure of any of your personal record. Now, if you did not have something terribly incriminating to hide, why would you pay all that money and go to all that trouble to hide your record? What is wrong with showing a birth certificate? Even though my enemies claim I’m really Jewish, I still show my proof. You and everyone else in the world are welcome to see it.

The big-nosed loud-mouth held up what looked like his passport, something he had done for the press after voting in a past election. I recalled with an ironic smile that a genealogy expert had insisted that the Fascist’s real last name, Sabourjian, was that of a family of Jewish weavers.

THE FRAUD: Groan. Please stop with the "Birther” rubbish! So, what else do you have to say besides a bunch of bullcrap made up by my enemies? Heck, for all I know, you made it up, like you probably did the other junk I’ve already refuted—in fact, I’ve been wondering where all this garbage is coming from, and now I’m pretty sure it is you. Now I have to wonder why, since we’re both working for the Ummah.

I know who that Kreep creep is, but even he has debunked that story. You’re just looking for whatever dirt you can find, eh? This competition is a little over the top, you know. How are we supposed to work together if you just repeat a bunch of baloney? What else have you heard, Mr. Gossip?

THE FASCIST: Ah, but you are currently working for the wrong part of the Ummah—we do not consider those Sunni heretics to be true believers.

Anyway, they say that your Attorney General Holder, in tandem with you, dispatched teams of Federal lawyers by the droves at the taxpayers’ expense to various courts to prevent people from digging your dirt out.

Only a couple more things should do it for now. First, two Kenyan government ministers have stated in the Kenyan parliament that you were indeed born in Kenya. One of them went as far as demanding that you be repatriated to your country of birth, Kenya. You know the Kenyan minister of lands, James Orengo?

Dozens of other Kenyans, some of them your own blood relatives, have confirmed the fact of your birth in Kenya. And your birth certificate must indeed show that—that is why you are doing all you can to prevent it from surfacing. But, believe me it will surface. Mark my words.

The second piece of evidence comes from your undergraduate file. Americans for Freedom of Information has released copies of your college transcripts from Occidental College. Remember the place? The transcript shows that you, under the name of "Barry Soetoro,” received financial aid as a foreign student from Indonesia while an undergraduate at the school. You are Barry Soetoro, presently going by the name of Barrack Obama, leaving that blessed name of Hussein out to please the Zionist-Christian cabal, right? The transcript was released by Occidental college in compliance with a court order in a suit brought by the group in the Superior Court of California. As your brother, it makes us shudder to think of your very near bleak future, shuttling from one court to one law office and eventually ending up in an eight-by-eight cell as a guest of the government you presently head, for the rest of your life—

THE FRAUD: Stop shuddering for me, and get to the bottom of it, will you? So you’ve got some crazy Kenyans talkin’ trash—do they have any real proof? Of course they want to claim I’m a Kenyan citizen—I’m the most famous person of Kenyan descent in a long time. It’s good for business. That bogus AFI organization you mention doesn’t even exist, and you haven’t seen any evidence that I went to school under the name of Soetero—because it doesn’t exist. Do you just repeat every unsubstantiated rumor you hear? Your intel is not very good, dude.

THE FASCIST: We will continue with the evidence, whether or not it is valid, as it makes for good disinformation to keep people confused. Anyway, the transcript shows that you applied for financial aid and were awarded a fellowship for foreign students from the Fulbright Foundation Scholarship program. To qualify for this scholarship, a student must claim foreign citizenship. I am beginning to think that those who keep calling you fraud have a case—

THE FRAUD: Okay, okay, so just more bullcrap—my transcripts have never been released. You yourself just said that I paid a lot of money to keep my records secret. So which is it?

Anyway, I admit the fact that I was born to an American mother and a Kenyan father, and I was still a babe when my mom took me back to the States. Later, she married an Indonesian, and we moved to Indonesia—yeah, I studied Islam there. So, what’s the big deal…?

THE FASCIST: Well, then, do they not have reason to wonder about your background when no records have been released or are forthcoming, as you claim?

To you, it sounds like quibbling about nothing. But an awful lot of Americans are incensed at you screwing them and violating a cardinal provision of America’s Constitution—the constitution that you swore on the Bible to uphold and protect. And that is the big deal, my friend. They say you are a Manchurian Candidate—and working with the Muslim Brotherhood, which, again, is a Mossad front.

THE FRAUD: Ha! So are you a Manchurian Candidate and a fraud. So was GWB—aren’t we all? Anyway, let’s pretend for a minute that those crazy Kenyans are right, and I was born in Kenya—not that I think that’s any big deal, since my mom was American. But, where do we go from here, just in case?

THE FASCIST: At the risk of quibbling, what you allegedly have done—not being a real American citizen but serving as President—is not a simple infraction. It is a major criminal offense.

There are times that you amaze me. You do not seem to get it, or you are trying to screw me too? You make me repeat myself. Look, those country bumpkins you charmed in Iowa, together with a legion of ACORN louts, got you the nomination. And people were so sick of George Dubbah-you—did I say that right?—that they did not want his geriatric political clone McCain to replace him. So, you got in. Now, they are wising up that you are another one of the same elite group, an internationalist, not an "American,” per se.

The common people are beginning to see you for what you are, and come 2012 they are likely to throw you on your arse in the street. Most likely, people such as Kreep will get more court orders forcing you to release the original of your birth certificate, not the copy things you have been handing out. And that will be the most damning smoking gun, and the slammer will be your next residence, as we said earlier.

You will not be re-elected in 2012. Mark my word. In fact, you will not even get re-nominated by your own party. You know that little woman you beat in the primaries, the same woman you keep dispatching to every corner of the world to have her out of your way, named Hillary? She will lead the charge for your testicles. But relax, all is not lost. We have good news for you…

After this thorough thrashing—half of which might be true, if we could trust that blatant liar, but which was vehemently denied by the Fraud—the Fascist obviously believed he had his "internationalist” counterpart like putty in his hands. He had him right where he wanted him. In any case, whoever was right, it certainly was amusing being a fly on the wall!

THE FRAUD: Why do I have this nagging feeling that the good news you are referring to is all for you? Is it out of your charitable heart that you want to help me? I mean, we know one another too well to go for that kind of crap… And, of course, you want me to work for you instead of the Muslim Brotherhood.

THE FASCIST: You are absolutely correct. It is no charity at all, what we plan to offer you. It is a cool, calculated, win-win business transaction. Just bear with us. Let us have a glass or two in celebration, rinse our mouth thoroughly to wash off all the bad taste of the present discourse as well as any remnants of the satanic brew, face Mecca and offer our from-the-heart prayers of gratitude. We promise you, you would love what we have to offer you in return for your cooperation.

Just to end the session on a high note, we assure you that there is an excellent way out. Before the U.S. marshals march you into court handcuffed and shackled like a common criminal, you catch the first plane to Tehran, and we will set you up with all the amenities that your heart desires. We shall explain the details in a jiffy. Now, let us get on with our celebration.