About Amil Imani
Amil Imani is an Iranian-American writer, poet, novelist,
essayist, literary translator, public speaker, political analyst and a
pro-democracy activist who has been writing and speaking out about the danger of
radical Islam both in America and internationally. He has become a formidable
voice in America against Islamic terrorism as well as for the struggling people
of his native land of Iran. Imani has been educating Americans regarding the
danger of radical Islam, and has encouraged democracy for Iran and helping the
Iranian people. His numerous articles about radical Islam have been published in
many newspapers and magazines around the world as well as in thousands of
Internet magazines, websites and blogs. Imani's writings can be found on his
Amilimani.com. He is a regular go-to-guy on the
Iranian issues on BBC World News. He is also 2010 honoree of EMET: "the Speaker
of the Truth Award" at the Capitol Hill. Imani is the author of the smashing
Click here to purchase Amil Imani's new book:
Obama Meets Ahmadinejad
Meets Ahmadinejad: An Excerpt
Understanding the Muslims Mindset
America the Vulnerable
Islam & Cyrus the Great
America Survive Islamofascisim?
America: Break the Silence on Islam
Muslims’ Sheep Mentality
Pacifism v. Islamic Extremism
Anachronism of Apostasy
Islamic Republic of Torture, Rape & Murder
Day for Iran
Empowering Iranians to Dislodge the Mullahs
Christmas Spirit & Islam
& Dealing with Jihadists
Cyrus the Great on His Day
Obama's Policy Disaster
Artist Immortalizes Neda
the Committee with a Cause
A Call to
Republic of Iran: A Reality Check
Surrenders to Ahmadinejad
Solidarity with the Iranian People
Neda’s Fourth of July Message?
Victimization of Iran
Angel of Freedom
Everyone Is an Iranian
Is Democracy the Killer of Liberty?
Honoring Nazanin: An Angel of Iran
Countdown to Disaster? Who Says?
Pres. Obama: What Is It You Do Not Understand?
Obama & Khamenei
An Appeal to Cultural Muslims
A Salute to Champions of Liberty
Turning Universities into Graveyards
The Story of the Liberty Gene
Chaos, Crisis & Terror Serves the Islamic Republic
Good Hate, Bad Love
Islam Demands Surrender
for more articles by Amil Imani
Obama Meets Ahmadinejad: An Excerpt
July 7, 2010
The following is an excerpt from Amil Imani's new book, Obama Meets Ahmadinejad.
This is a Satire. Any resemblance to people and places are strictly
ACT Ten of
tape resumed, the self-adoring, imitation human being, deeply impressed by his
use of English idioms, intoned, "No time to beat around the bush. Let’s get down
to brass tacks.” He was swiftly answered by the other phony.
Sure, sure. Earlier you advised me about being patient, but I see that you are
not practicing what you preach. Be a bit patient with me. As I said at the end
of our last meeting, this is the most difficult decision of my life, and I need
to give it due consideration—
Well, have you? Let us get on with it.
Being the practical man that I am, I want you to tell me what’s in it for me to
"convert,” because my Sunni friends would say I’m falling for the ridiculous
lies of you and your priesthood, pretending like some delusional nutcase that
you are receiving instructions essentially from Allah Himself. So, give me my
motivation and explain what you alluded to earlier—about it being a great thing
for me here in this world as well as in the afterlife. Well, the afterlife still
remains to be seen, much as I would like believe in it. And as for benefits in
this world, I basically have as much or more than any man could ever aspire to.
I’m the President of the most powerful country in the world. Numerous people,
including world leaders, kiss up to me—a black man—for a change; women swoon
over me by the droves; and I can go on and on enumerating the long list of the
perks I have.
"amenities.” What do you mean by that? Please explain, so I can make up my mind.
You keep throwing me curve balls, as you people like to say. First, you brag to
me about having a long pri—?
No, no, no. You misheard me. I said "perks” not "pri—.” A long list of perks, I
said. Now who has a dirty mind?
Then tell me what "perks” means. You know that we are dead serious about
mastering English, even English slang and colloquial English. All of it, so that
we can be a good jihadist and help the Ummah establish Arabic as the only
acceptable language in the world. As for the lies about being a puppet of the
Arabs and His Blessedness being a fairytale, we should kill anyone who
disrespects the Holy Faith like that. You are lucky, because you have a chance
to redeem yourself by converting and becoming a disciple of the Supreme Leader.
THE FRAUD: If
you are not an Arab lap dog, as others say, then why are you stumping for Arabic
to be the only acceptable language on earth? Why not the Farsi of your homeland?
Arabic is the language of the Holy Quran, the divine revelation of Allah. It is
the holy language. We pledge our allegiance to Islam, above and beyond all
nations. I am first and foremost an Ummahist.
reason you have not been killed before is because so many in the Ummah believe
you are secretly one of us, as do many of "your” own people. But all you need to
do, really, is give up the Sunni heresy and come over to us.
things tell us you are a Muslim: 1. Your father was a Muslim, albeit it a
heretic, but much better than if only your mother had been a Muslima—which, of
course, she was not; and 2. Your middle name Hussein is that of one of our most
warned years ago that you should not come here—do you honestly believe you can
go now? You may have believed you could charm me! No, you are a fly in my spider
web, so you have no choice. If you do not convert, we will not let you leave.
And if you do convert, but if you are not sincere, you will have a very big
bounty on your head for the rest of your life—nay, for eternity, insha’Allah.
You know very well that such treachery as apostasy is punishable by death under
our legal system.
You can be sure that I regret having come here, although I have to admit some of
my visit has been pleasant. But I knew you would try to extort and blackmail me,
and here you are. You can’t be serious that you think you can prevent me from
leaving. Even you can’t be so megalomaniacal as to believe you could get away
with such an absurd plan—but perhaps you are that insane.
But as long
as I am here, I want you to elucidate all kinds of things for me, and I should
be prepared to explain things you want to know. Fair enough.
short for "perquisites,” which means "privileges, benefits, advantages.”
Am I supposed to turn green with envy? Do not let who you are now and what you
have at present blind you to reality. As your friend, we will take time and
spell things out for you. By the way, I really dig that spelling thing. I thank
you for it.
burst out with his trademark roaring hyena laughter. He seemed to relish using
the word "dig.” I just can’t fathom why the creep found the word "dig” so
hilarious. Who can figure out what goes on in that cranium of his?
I’ve been taught that something is funny when both parties laugh. So what’s so
funny, my helpful friend?
You really do not want to know, because it would upset you to no end.
Okay, finish laughing and get this show on the road. It’s wearing my patience
Well, back to serious talk. You will love the amenities and "perks” we will be
offering you. There are, however, two non-negotiable conditions. The first
condition is that you convert to the true Islam—the Twelve Imamate Shi’a. And
the second condition is that you call the Zionist dogs off our back and let us
THE FRAUD: I
dig your first condition, and I am almost there. What you need to spell out in
greater detail is your second condition. I can’t just give you carte blanche.
Besides, if I make a commitment, I intend to keep it, but I might not be able to
dictator cracked a sly smile, as if he were relishing a moment of conquest.
Am I the type who would do something like that to a friend? Would I ask you to
do something that would get you in trouble or force you to go back on your
Frankly, the thought never crossed my mind—
Stop right there and recant, Pinocchio. The long nose you have is stretching so
far out that it is almost completely preventing us from seeing the other half of
your face, not that it is worth seeing, anyway.
laughter again filled the little cage of the two beasts. The creep seemed to
enjoy his own sense of humor. Then, with a snap of the fingers the Thick Thug
appeared, at which point the Fascist commanded, "Bring us file 609 forthwith!”
thick file in hand, the Fascist began paging through it, keeping the Fraud in a
deathly suspense for what seemed like a lifetime. As beads of sweat covered the
American’s face, he seemed to have difficulty breathing, and made a wheezing
sound common in asthmatics.
Sorry for bursting your balloon. You compelled us to do so by bragging about
your position and the perks you have. You seem so intoxicated with the immediate
and oblivious to the long-term. And not very long-term at that—
Would you stop lecturing me and get to the specifics? I said a minute ago that
my patience is wearing thin. By now, it’s just about to disappear completely.
You are most fortunate if you keep your position and perks until the next
presidential election. We, for one, would not want to bet on that more than five
of your worthless dollars. That is all—five "bucks,” is it not?—and not a nickel
though they were supposed to be "brothers in faith,” they could not resist the
macho-male competition. After all, each wanted to top the other and be president
of the whole world under the Ummah or community of believers that would soon
attain global domination. I could tell that a big part of their blustering was
an expression of admiration for each other’s misdeeds and cons against the dirty
infidels and unsuspecting voters.
Okay, Mr. Big Shot. Back that up. What makes you so sure? Do you have a crystal
ball, or is it another one of those private inside revelations you get from what
you call "On High?”
No, neither—just plain and simple earthly assessment of facts on the ground. And
here they are. You are a fraud and a fake. It is all here in this file. Written
records, pictures, testimonials by the most credible people that show beyond the
slightest doubt that you have pulled one of history’s greatest con games on the
country that you called the greatest in the world.
Yeah, tell me something I haven’t heard before. Tell me something new. You mean
the questions about my ineligibility to be President? All kinds of Neocons,
reactionaries, and Republicans have been trying to hang that one on me, and
every last one of them has failed. So, next evidence, if you please.
Not so fast. Let us do you a favor and present you the evidence. Believe us, it
is good, very good, and it will assuredly cost you your job, every penny you may
have, and even your testicles.
Ouch! You can talk about losing me my job, even every penny I have, but not
losing my balls. They are off the table—and under it, in a secure pair of pants!
Okay, let me
hear your evidence. You had a hilarious laugh a minute ago. It is my turn to
have one too.
At your service. But, you have to relax, if you can, and sit back and listen. We
will give you only a synopsis of the evidence, so we do not tax your thin
patience that you warned us about. We are your friends, and we want to stay your
friends. And a real friend should never do anything that hurts a friend.
when I watched such blatant and obvious sucking up by the wretch, as it was
embarrassingly transparent. The bogus Kumbaya boy continued.
You just told us that you know all about those villains who have tried but
failed to nail you on this birth-certificate thing. Maybe you are still playing
games with me, or maybe you are too busy puffing up your chest with pride in
yourself to notice some very damning evidence. I certainly would not be making a
monkey of myself by simply re-hashing some unsubstantiated innuendo, would I?
No, I am sure you wouldn’t make a monkey of yourself. Particularly not a monkey
anyway, since it is one of the most common names your enemies call you. You
don’t want to wear that, do you?
No, I do not. Speaking of wearing, it sure looks like before you know it, you
will be wearing something much worse, a sort of government-issue attire, that
is. To give you a hint, it is not a military uniform. But, let me stick to the
Ever heard of
a man named Gary Kreep? Does it not ring a bell? Gary Kreep is a point-man for a
group called United States Justice Foundation. You still cannot connect? Kreep
reports that you have spent $950,000 in campaign funds in the past year with 11
law firms in 12 states for legal work to block disclosure of any of your
personal record. Now, if you did not have something terribly incriminating to
hide, why would you pay all that money and go to all that trouble to hide your
record? What is wrong with showing a birth certificate? Even though my enemies
claim I’m really Jewish, I still show my proof. You and everyone else in the
world are welcome to see it.
big-nosed loud-mouth held up what looked like his passport, something he had
done for the press after voting in a past election. I recalled with an ironic
smile that a genealogy expert had insisted that the Fascist’s real last name,
Sabourjian, was that of a family of Jewish weavers.
Groan. Please stop with the "Birther” rubbish! So, what else do you have to say
besides a bunch of bullcrap made up by my enemies? Heck, for all I know, you
made it up, like you probably did the other junk I’ve already refuted—in fact,
I’ve been wondering where all this garbage is coming from, and now I’m pretty
sure it is you. Now I have to wonder why, since we’re both working for the
I know who
that Kreep creep is, but even he has debunked that story. You’re just looking
for whatever dirt you can find, eh? This competition is a little over the top,
you know. How are we supposed to work together if you just repeat a bunch of
baloney? What else have you heard, Mr. Gossip?
Ah, but you are currently working for the wrong part of the Ummah—we do not
consider those Sunni heretics to be true believers.
say that your Attorney General Holder, in tandem with you, dispatched teams of
Federal lawyers by the droves at the taxpayers’ expense to various courts to
prevent people from digging your dirt out.
Only a couple
more things should do it for now. First, two Kenyan government ministers have
stated in the Kenyan parliament that you were indeed born in Kenya. One of them
went as far as demanding that you be repatriated to your country of birth,
Kenya. You know the Kenyan minister of lands, James Orengo?
other Kenyans, some of them your own blood relatives, have confirmed the fact of
your birth in Kenya. And your birth certificate must indeed show that—that is
why you are doing all you can to prevent it from surfacing. But, believe me it
will surface. Mark my words.
piece of evidence comes from your undergraduate file. Americans for Freedom of
Information has released copies of your college transcripts from Occidental
College. Remember the place? The transcript shows that you, under the name of
"Barry Soetoro,” received financial aid as a foreign student from Indonesia
while an undergraduate at the school. You are Barry Soetoro, presently going by
the name of Barrack Obama, leaving that blessed name of Hussein out to please
the Zionist-Christian cabal, right? The transcript was released by Occidental
college in compliance with a court order in a suit brought by the group in the
Superior Court of California. As your brother, it makes us shudder to think of
your very near bleak future, shuttling from one court to one law office and
eventually ending up in an eight-by-eight cell as a guest of the government you
presently head, for the rest of your life—
Stop shuddering for me, and get to the bottom of it, will you? So you’ve got
some crazy Kenyans talkin’ trash—do they have any real proof? Of course they
want to claim I’m a Kenyan citizen—I’m the most famous person of Kenyan descent
in a long time. It’s good for business. That bogus AFI organization you mention
doesn’t even exist, and you haven’t seen any evidence that I went to school
under the name of Soetero—because it doesn’t exist. Do you just repeat every
unsubstantiated rumor you hear? Your intel is not very good, dude.
We will continue with the evidence, whether or not it is valid, as it makes for
good disinformation to keep people confused. Anyway, the transcript shows that
you applied for financial aid and were awarded a fellowship for foreign students
from the Fulbright Foundation Scholarship program. To qualify for this
scholarship, a student must claim foreign citizenship. I am beginning to think
that those who keep calling you fraud have a case—
Okay, okay, so just more bullcrap—my transcripts have never been released. You
yourself just said that I paid a lot of money to keep my records secret. So
which is it?
admit the fact that I was born to an American mother and a Kenyan father, and I
was still a babe when my mom took me back to the States. Later, she married an
Indonesian, and we moved to Indonesia—yeah, I studied Islam there. So, what’s
the big deal…?
Well, then, do they not have reason to wonder about your background when no
records have been released or are forthcoming, as you claim?
To you, it
sounds like quibbling about nothing. But an awful lot of Americans are incensed
at you screwing them and violating a cardinal provision of America’s
Constitution—the constitution that you swore on the Bible to uphold and protect.
And that is the big deal, my friend. They say you are a Manchurian Candidate—and
working with the Muslim Brotherhood, which, again, is a Mossad front.
Ha! So are you a Manchurian Candidate and a fraud. So was GWB—aren’t we all?
Anyway, let’s pretend for a minute that those crazy Kenyans are right, and I was
born in Kenya—not that I think that’s any big deal, since my mom was American.
But, where do we go from here, just in case?
At the risk of quibbling, what you allegedly have done—not being a real American
citizen but serving as President—is not a simple infraction. It is a major
times that you amaze me. You do not seem to get it, or you are trying to screw
me too? You make me repeat myself. Look, those country bumpkins you charmed in
Iowa, together with a legion of ACORN louts, got you the nomination. And people
were so sick of George Dubbah-you—did I say that right?—that they did not want
his geriatric political clone McCain to replace him. So, you got in. Now, they
are wising up that you are another one of the same elite group, an
internationalist, not an "American,” per se.
people are beginning to see you for what you are, and come 2012 they are likely
to throw you on your arse in the street. Most likely, people such as Kreep will
get more court orders forcing you to release the original of your birth
certificate, not the copy things you have been handing out. And that will be the
most damning smoking gun, and the slammer will be your next residence, as we
You will not
be re-elected in 2012. Mark my word. In fact, you will not even get re-nominated
by your own party. You know that little woman you beat in the primaries, the
same woman you keep dispatching to every corner of the world to have her out of
your way, named Hillary? She will lead the charge for your testicles. But relax,
all is not lost. We have good news for you…
thorough thrashing—half of which might be true, if we could trust that blatant
liar, but which was vehemently denied by the Fraud—the Fascist obviously
believed he had his "internationalist” counterpart like putty in his hands. He
had him right where he wanted him. In any case, whoever was right, it certainly
was amusing being a fly on the wall!
Why do I have this nagging feeling that the good news you are referring to is
all for you? Is it out of your charitable heart that you want to help me? I
mean, we know one another too well to go for that kind of crap… And, of course,
you want me to work for you instead of the Muslim Brotherhood.
You are absolutely correct. It is no charity at all, what we plan to offer you.
It is a cool, calculated, win-win business transaction. Just bear with us. Let
us have a glass or two in celebration, rinse our mouth thoroughly to wash off
all the bad taste of the present discourse as well as any remnants of the
satanic brew, face Mecca and offer our from-the-heart prayers of gratitude. We
promise you, you would love what we have to offer you in return for your
Just to end
the session on a high note, we assure you that there is an excellent way out.
Before the U.S. marshals march you into court handcuffed and shackled like a
common criminal, you catch the first plane to Tehran, and we will set you up
with all the amenities that your heart desires. We shall explain the details in
a jiffy. Now, let us get on with our celebration.